• Brennae McCulloch

- Choosing Yourself First -

For so long, my outlook on life was based upon what others thought of me, how my choices could affect them, and if they would still accept me for who I was. Beginning this blog and website has been an ongoing process and has made me wonder how others would accept it. Being a 24 year old, plus sized woman from a small town wanting to start a blog may be laughable to some. And knowing that I want it to reach all shapes, sizes, voices, political backgrounds/views may sound far fetched as well. However, in the world we live in today I think we all need a place to feel comfortable, to feel loved, and to feel we are good enough. Which is why I bring you Beautifully Brennae.

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Living in a small town options seem limited, judgement can be high, and creativity can sometimes be lacking. I have always had a creative mindset but felt held back on how to express my creativity. Many that live in big cities have an abundance of resources to start businesses, websites, creating content and so much more. This made it difficult for me to want to start on this venture. Especially knowing that all eyes and all ears would be focused on me, and in a small town that's uncomfortable sometimes. However, know that these thoughts have been held in for a long time. But if I want you all to be honest and open on this website with me, that means I have to as well.

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It is going to be uncomfortable, open, and vulnerable - but know that Beautifully Brennae is open for you ALL in times of struggle, happiness, celebration, failure, etc. I know that when we are open and vulnerable we can all come together to love each other despite our differences.

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OKAY. Now that's finished - let's get down to the good stuff. Let's be honest, life can suck sometimes. We may think we have it all together and we think we know what is best for us - but, we don't. Finding that out myself felt like running into a wall at 90 mph. At 24, I truly thought I had EXACTLY what I wanted. To an extent, that is true - I have an incredibly gorgeous and loving husband, I have a beautiful family, I am a nurse, I have a beautiful home and two wonderful dogs. However, recently, I have been struggling with anxiety and depression. Yes, the always happy Brennae was drowning. Just to clarify though - certain parts of my life were great, but there were some parts that were extremely trying.

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There has been one thing that has been extremely difficult for me. I have gone to my family, my closest friends, and mostly my husband. Who have all told me the same thing on the situation; however, I am ignoring it, but why? I have had my anxiety through the roof and when I am home I am just wanting to sleep immediately. I have cancelled plans, ignored calls, and I have been keeping to myself. But why? Because I was/am too scared to open up my insecurities. I would rather keep to myself then admit to anything. I'd rather be miserable then do the one SIMPLE thing to fix it. And the reason I won't is because I worry on what other's would think of my decision.

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Being in this type of situation truly has been an eye opening experience for me. However, I am still trying to figure out what to do. Let's be honest, it is so DAMN hard to do what YOU want to do - at least for me it is. I don't know if any of you can relate but I would rather keep doing what I can instead of admitting that I can't do it anymore. To me, I always felt like a failure when I felt I couldn't succeed in something. And let me tell you it is CRUSHING to feel that way. I have spent countless nights in tears just asking God what to do. Praying for Him to guide me through this. He has guided me through a lot and I believe he placed my husband in my life for moments like this.

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A couple weeks ago I sat with my husband in our beautiful house, on our couch, just living life with him. And what did I do? I broke. Bless his soul he already knows that I am an extremely emotional person, but I don't think he was expecting this. He is used to seeing his blue eyed girl smiling, laughing, and saying corny jokes. But when I looked at him and broke down in tears that was something out of the ordinary. However, it did not phase him and he listened to me. He listened to me pour my heart out to him on how I was struggling with anxiety and just struggling in general. But the worst part of the entire thing was he looked at me and asked if why I had been like this was because of him... which completely broke my heart.


*cue waterworks*


The situation that has been causing this was affecting my marriage. When my husband thought he was causing the stress and anxiety I felt like I had failed as a wife. If I had opened up to him sooner I could have avoided so many of those petty arguments. If I had opened up to him earlier I could had avoided those trials. However, I believe God wanted me to go through this pain and internal struggle to realize that life is entirely too precious to live it miserably. Tyler and I have always been open, especially after his mother passed unexpectedly. After her accident, I told myself I would never let myself feel stuck in life, that I would live my life fully. And when I talked to Tyler a few weeks ago I realized that I had broken that promise to myself... I wasn't living my life for myself, I was living it to appease others. I was appeasing others because it felt like the "right thing to do".

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This internal struggle I could have skipped it entirely; however, I focused more on what others felt about me and ignored my own feelings. I completely ignored my feelings and I continued to be overcome with anxiety and depression every single day.

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If I would just go with what my heart is telling me I would be free of that anxiety. And for once in my life, I am realizing I need to put myself first. For once, I AM putting MYSELF first. It is an uncomfortable and extremely vulnerable feeling, but I am hoping this blog will help us all discover those uncomfortable areas and how to address them. Because if we attempt to confront these situations head on I believe we ALL would be happier. It is going to be hard, it is going to feel uncomfortable, and it may disappoint people. But if we live a life making others happy and not ourselves...then we have failed ourselves.

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It took me a long time for me to realize that - but when I did, it hit hard and it sparked an energy I never thought I had. The spark ignited and I realized that I had to start living my life for ME and not anyone else. And trust me, it is a scary feeling at first - but it feels incredible after realizing you are finally putting yourself first.

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So that is what I pledge for myself and for all of you... PUT YOURSELF FIRST.

So what if people think it is selfish? It is your life, NOT THEIRS. It took me a long time to get to this point. For once in my life, I am going to STOP thinking of what others think of me and START putting my wants and needs first.

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I hope that all of you realize what I should have sooner - YOU ARE ALLOWED TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST. Stop caring what others think - no matter if it is a job, relationship, or something as simple as what you are wearing. Always remember to be beautifully you and don't let anyone overshadow that. With Beautifully Brennae you all can come to a place that is welcoming, loving, and accepting. I am so inspired by all of you and hope to bring inspiration, encouragement, and motivation for all of us to be a better version of ourselves. Thank you all for the love and support.

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Oh and by the way....Welcome to Beautifully Brennae

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& To all of you beauties remember - love and kindness always.



- B






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